It

Let me start by saying I Love You.

Fully, and with all honesty.

I say this as more than a part of our usual exchanges, casually thrown with such ease, but with heartfelt sincerity. Without you, I would be a far different person from who I am now, maybe even less.

That is why I feel that I owe you my honesty.

I feel disconnected to you lately. Cold. I would not use the "its not you, its me" (or vice versa) cliche, I have to much respect for it than that. Yes, it. Because we are more than you and me, but less than us. So I shall settle with it.

To say that I do not miss you would be a terrible lie. Whether we like it or not, we are a part of each other. Your presence is enough to make me feel that someday, I can be great, I am great. You challenge me and inspire me to be better. You remind me that the highest hurdle is the present me. And in order to succeed, I must surpass whoever I am today. Together, we are a force to be reckoned with, not invincible, but close enough. Together, we can conquer the universe.

I've been in a dilemma for 11 months now. 317 agonizing days of arguing with myself. Its been a tricky push-pull, on again, off again kind of thing, and I think the elastics holding me together is just about to snap and my bulb is just about to burn out. One month short of a year was enough to teach me that things happen, shit happens, it happens. Whether we mean for it to happen or not, the point still is, it has already happened and sometimes, we just can't help how we feel. I spend eleven months too long being apologetic for it. So now, I shall relish this moment, even just this once, to be honest with myself about how I feel towards it, towards everything.

Would feeling this way towards it make me a bad person? Would being just a little less apologetic for it make me worse? I don't know. But I do know one thing: that this is how I honestly feel.

I wanted to feel numb all this time. Ignoring the small, petty things, the slightly bigger ones that should matter, shoving them into one big "Forget File" I store at the dark, dark corners of my mind. It put up a fight, but I shoved it there until the pain, until everything, was swept under the rug. Then I waited, waited for the darkness to consume it until what remained was nothing more than a dull thudding ache.

I couldn't name it at first, counldn't fully talk about it without being vague. I feared that acknowledging it would only breathe into life the monsters in my head. And saying it out loud would only affirm its existence.

In the midst of my musing over this blog though, and alternately juggling it with my other accounts, it seems like the universe heard, and it has answered, and the medium? Need you even ask?

Facebook says: "you can't change the past, but you can change the way you feel about it"

I guess that made sense. I've always believed that instead of grieving for the things you cannot change, strive to improve the things you can. So instead of grieving for things that were and things that never were, I will just smile. Smile and love.

I believe, there is no such word as loved. Once you love something, you'll always love it, else, it was not love to begin with. Love is infinite, it can transform and evolve but not run out. Never run out. If you find yourself out of love, better check your pulse. Just to be sure.

I feel the only right way to end this entry is by saying

I Love You.

Through and through.

Maybe a little different than how I did before, but the fact is, I still do.

dearest alex

(Alexander McQueen Fall 08)

(Alexander Mc Queen 10-inch high heels)

Dearest Alexander,

Once upon a time, I loved you.

When you spun dreams of tulle not tragedy.

Where hast my Indian princesses donning ball gowns in winter gone?

What happened to their bejeweled feet?

Now all I am left with are elephant feet and wistful memories

With a broken heart, i bid thee farewell

in hopes that spring/summer shall ressurect my love for you.


in the mean time, yours truly is smitten with another Alexander
with the same initials as fall/winter.

disco.nnection.no.tice

Maybe its the sound of the rain softly pelting against the window.
Maybe its the way the chandelier bathed everything in a warm glow,
sharply contrasting against the chill brought by the weather.
Or maybe, its cause of something I saw which I just wish I didn't
coupled with this stupid song I have on repeat.


The grass withers

and the tears of the sky turn to ice

as our paths intertwine.


I tread carefully upon the floe,

Careful not to disrupt its fragile surface.

Underneath, the river's water rage.


On tipped toes, I danced around you.

A ballerina's routine.

Calm, composed, calculated.


The music mutes the audience

that comprises only of you

One drop and the spell is broken



Sometimes I want to just do as I please just to spite you.
But the thing is, I love you too much for that.

Au Revoir, Aout

Dearest August,

You came and went.

You took along with you a lolo and a friend.

You came in and gave me good byes,

but you brought along some new beginnings, too.

Is this what you're teaching me, August, independence and letting go?

Thank you for being generous enough to throw in some courage, too.

I needed that.

Now that you've passed and left me at September's hands,

would it be such a bother to ask for a bit more Courage... or maybe lots, if you can help it.

xo,

Eds